Your Social Media Interactions With Black Women Change Once You Accept A Few Basic Truths

There is a conversation a lot of non Black people need to have with themselves before they ever enter a comment section where Black women are present. Not because we are fragile. Not because we need protecting. Simply because the dynamic shifts once you understand that the world is not set up around you, your feelings, or your assumptions.

If you want healthier interactions with Black women online, it starts with accepting a few things that many of you have never actually examined.

Everything is not for you and does not require your input

Even when you are well-meaning, every space in the world does not exist for you. That is simply the truth. I would not walk into a Cracker Barrel and complain about feeling unwelcome. Some things are not for me, and that is fine. White people are used to the whole world being set up to make sense to them, cater to them, and center them.

Black people do not move through the world with that expectation and doing so would be dangerous and delusional. This is a uniquely white problem.

So when you see Black women talking to each other, processing something, joking with each other, or venting about something specific to our lived experiences, your confusion or your curiosity is not a signal for you to jump in, depending on the conversation.

Everything is not an open invitation.

I literally posted this morning to say “Good morning to Black women and Black women ONLY” and got so many comments that started with “I’m not Black but-”… was silence not an option? Were there not other posts?

You are not an authority on anything

It does not matter what you think you know. Assume the person you are talking to also knows it. Assume your advice is not some rare gem. Assume the Black women you are addressing are just as knowledgeable and capable as you are, because most of the time, we are.

A lot of you talk to Black women like we are slow, simple, or in need of guidance. You do not even realize you are doing it, because you are so used to assuming expertise in every room you walk into. Stop assuming authority where you have none.

You are also not the Negro Police

In addition to not being an authority, a lot of you take on the role of the state when you talk to Black women. You do not realize how often you position yourselves as overseers, monitors, and disciplinarians.

I created the term Digital HOA to describe this behavior. You show up in Black women’s replies like nosey neighbors measuring the length of someone’s grass to see if it violates a rule no one agreed to. You act like Black women are part of your gated community and are subject to rules you wrote for yourselves. You are detectives and interrogators… Who the fuck asked you to be?

Black women are not in your gated community. We are not actually subject to your bylaws and do not need you to approve the permit for whatever we are doing.

Leaving your enclave and wandering into a neighborhood you do not belong to, only to start policing it, is ridiculous. You should stop. Immediately.

You are not entitled to our labor

Any of it. Not emotional, not intellectual, not physical.

We are the sole arbiters of our labor and where it goes. We do not work for you, and we have every right to tell you no for any reason.

This is especially important because historically we were forced into service positions to non Black families. Generations of Mammies were expected to accommodate, soothe, manage, and prioritize white people and their children while they enjoyed privilege and leisure. That is not the world anymore.

A random Black woman minding her business does not owe you education, emotional support, gentle guidance, or patience for your ignorance. And if she offers you her time anyway, you should be compensating her for her labor instead of treating it like a favor you inherently deserve.

Apply these ideas, and your interactions with Black women will improve

None of this is complicated. None of this is hostile. These are basic recognitions of boundaries, autonomy, and personhood.

If you apply these ideas to the way you engage with Black women, especially online, where entitlement thrives, I promise your interactions will improve.

Black women are not difficult. What is difficult is dealing with people who believe they are entitled to access, authority, correction, and labor that does not belong to them.

Accept that truth, and everything else becomes much simpler.

If you feel seen by any of the things that I’ve mentioned and you would like to work to be better from a genuine place, I have a resource that can help you.

It is a reflection journal called Decentering Whiteness. It is a safe space for you to unpack, without needing personalized labor from Black women AND compensates me for the work I’ve put into creating it.